Animal Internet

There's an alarming new food showing up on tables this holiday season: Chickens stuffed into the cavities of ducks that are then stuffed into turkeys. They’re called Turduckens and their acceptance as a holiday staple must be stopped.

Until now a given holiday meant the slaughter of only one species (turkeys on Thanksgiving, geese on Christmas...) At this tipping point in time, when Tofurkeys are finally gaining acceptance and people are discovering the dangers of trytophan, we cannot let this Turducken fad take hold. Not only because it will triple the number of fowl killed each holiday but, more importantly, because it’s a harbinger to a much bigger problem: the elimination of birds being valued as individuals.

Consider what happened to fish. Many centuries ago they were captured, one at a time and placed on a stick to be roasted over a flame. It was one fish against one caveman (Or indian or boy scout.) But eventually some cavemen began capturing different fish and cooking them in the same pot. Nobody objected and before you knew it everybody was eating cioppino and paella. All the fish in the pot became replaceable. They were no longer individuals, just cogs in a vat of culinary socialism.

The seeds of a similar bird bouillabaisse are now being planted. If the Turducken becomes acceptable food fare what stops reckless chefs from adding a few canaries into the pot? Why not throw in 3 or 4 doves? I’ll tell you why - because it’s wrong! Treating a bird as nothing more than an additional flavor in the bigger stew is against the very individualism this country stands for. Or does the phrase “Life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness,” only apply to humans now?

Today it’s the Turducken. Tomorrow..what? The LambSwanuffalo? The MouseCatDeer? My friends, we need to nip this culinary recklessness in the bud while we still can.